I want to know what I’ll be missing while I languish in eternal torment. I’m really curious. Because even if I could make up the best possible description of what heaven would be like it still wouldn’t be somewhere I would want to be.

1. Does everyone like you there? Do you like everyone else? That’s hard to imagine, since there are perfectly nice, virtuous people on earth who nevertheless are completely boring and/or annoying, and I can’t imagine why you would suddenly want to hang out with them. Especially since, in heaven, you would think you would finally be free of all the boring/annoying people you had to deal with on Earth.
2. If you get brain-damaged on Earth, do you get your mental faculties back in Heaven?
3. Do you get your dead pets back? If so, does that mean they have souls?
4. What if you really loved someone who didn’t make it? How could you really enjoy Heaven if the ones you cared most about couldn’t be there? That seems like a kind of torment.
5. Do you get to talk to Jesus much? Seems like he would be really popular and incredibly busy. Maybe he could be everywhere at once so we could all hang out with Jesus all the time, but then you would never have anything to talk to him about, because he would already know about it, because he was there.
6. Is it possible to commit a sin once there? Is it possible to even contemplate sinning? If not, does that mean that God’s precious gift of free will was only temporary?
7. Do you have a physical sense of self? Arms, legs etc? Can you eat? Eating’s a pretty fabulous thing, it would seem pretty crummy if we couldn’t do it any more. If you can eat there, does that mean you would shit as well?
8. Like eating, sex is a pretty big deal here on Earth, would there be sex in heaven? Between heterosexual married couples only? Could you get married in heaven?
9. What about sleep? That’s nice too. I would miss it if I couldn’t sleep.
10. Are there property rights in heaven? Would you stake a claim in a particular spot? Would a spot be allocated for you?