Gah why can’t I sleep… I’ve been in bed for 2 hours now and my mind won’t STFU. So now I’m awkwardly typing this post on my iPad.

There’s all this white noise in my head but I can’t get a handle on it. It’s all sort of vaguely hinting at something to do with ambition, achievement and midlife crisis, with tinges of regret and self recrimination. People I know are having babies all over the place, and I don’t feel particularly envious of that in itself, but it does sort of leave me with a general hollow feeling about where I am right now. It makes me sad that I have nothing to care much about; everything is just kind of meh, whatever– nothing seems particularly important.

I think it’s largely that I don’t feel needed by anyone right now– and it’s ironic (?) that this is a problem since I spend so much of my life avoiding responsibility and running away from people who threaten to one day need me. Like many/most people my sense of self-worth is largely derived from feeling that I am useful to others, but (being a total narcissist) I’m always fearful of being exploited for the fact that I am clearly awesome and infinitely useful to have around. And so I am drawn to people who don’t need me, because they will never ask more than I am willing to give. But then, precisely because they don’t need me, my self-esteem evaporates.

I try to imagine someone (a lady person) wanting me without necessarily needing me… And I find the concept surprisingly difficult to wrap my head around. Which is annoying because I have no problem at all with the reverse– I can want someone without having to need them. I think.

Which all boils down to: if you show an interest in me, I may see it as neediness rather than desire. If you show no interest it might allow me to desire you for not needing me, while simultaneously feeling worthless/useless.

I really hope this isn’t just paraphrasing some Men are from Mars… gender trope– It’s so hard to tell when self-reflecting whether something is insightful, bleeding obvious, or just bullshit.