Point/Counterpoint – Conservative Email
A friend of mine has this dumb racist uncle in the US who forwards him various creepy emails about how awful Democrats are, forged birth certificates, seekrit Muslim heritage etc. Here’s a piece most recently sent, I note it shows up around the place in various forms (and is actually refreshingly non-racist):
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.
I can’t decide which is sadder: a conservative homosexual “quiety leading his life” or a conservative “deciding” whether he needs health care– does he also get to “decide” whether he needs cancer?
Anyway, I reversed the bullshit polarity so he could send it back as a response:
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, there must be something wrong with him. What’s not to love about guns!?
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, it’s probably because so many people are killed by them.If a conservative is a vegetarian, it’s because the doctor warned him his heart would explode if he ate another deep fried waffle burger.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, it’s because he doesn’t like eating meat.If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. In the closet. Until he is discovered, whereupon he is shunned by his family and proceeds to shoot himself with his pristine hunting rifle.
If a liberal is homosexual, he doesn’t see why he should have to pretend otherwise.If a conservative is down-and-out, he blames it on minorities and immigrants and tries to join the minutemen.
A liberal gratefully accepts assistance when he needs it and doesn’t begrudge others who do the same.If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches to Fox and dashes off some furious and inarticulate hate mail.
Liberals just make fun of them on the internet.If a conservative is a non-believer, he pretends to believe anyway and desperately hopes no one finds out, because it’s as bad as being gay.
A liberal non-believer, just like a liberal believer, wants a healthy separation between church and state.If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes shopping for it, unless he has a pre-existing condition in which case he’s totally screwed. Then he gets sick and bankrupts his family.
A liberal recognises that everyone needs healthcare, and isn’t too “patriotic” to admit that every other western nation is doing a better job at it than the US.If a conservative reads this, his big fat racist head will explode.
A liberal will read it but probably won’t forward it because forwarding lazy political humour is obnoxious.
I await the reaction from the aforementioned uncle (I believe the wording was toned down for the last part). I’d like to think of him turning purple at the idea of someone actually responding to his steady stream of toxic propaganda, but in reality he’ll probably just snort derisively and forward another document proving that Barack HUSSEIN Obama was really born in Kenya. To a jackal maybe.
DISCLAIMER: the original wording in the forwarded email was Republican/Democrat but I’ve altered it to reflect the more commonly used conservative/liberal. None of the views represented here are my own. This is all merely hyperbolic political smack talk. In fact I totally love conservatives and would never suggest that they are more racist, sexist, homophobic or intellectually backwards than anyone else.
