There was to be some kind of pageant, and everyone in my class was invited to perform. I think we were expected to form groups, but I wanted to go it alone to show what I could do. I decided that I wanted to be a spaceman, and so of course a space ship would be required. I spent ages on the damn thing, making it from a large cardboard box with the top front edge taped down so as to create a wedge shape. I’m pretty sure I stuck fins on too, and I certainly painted the whole thing, such that it looked nothing like a cardboard box and every bit the modern spaceship.

Incredibly pleased with my ingenuity, I couldn’t wait to blitz all the Santas and elves with their costumes that they didn’t even make themselves. Hmmm… Santas and elves… I guess that means it was a Christmas pageant. Can you see where this is heading?

Anyway, come the big day and all us kids are being bustled about with cotton wool beards and felt hats etc. Since my main prop was also my costume, I only needed a bit of makeup on my face [I’d like to think it was silver, but realistically it was probably just white with green spots or something]. Then we all lined up outside the classroom where the performances were to take place. As I stood there, waiting for the awful tuneless droning of the previous act to finish, I was giddy with anticipation. I mean, this was going to blow everyone away! No one would believe that I had made this prop all by myself! And who doesn’t like spacemen in spaceships!

Then finally it was my turn to take the stage… and I swear, it was only at this exact moment that it finally occurred to me that I had prepared no act. I had no song, no dance, no nothing. I was just this stupid kid wearing a cardboard spaceship, with absolutely no reason to be there. And so I started crying and ran away.

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